Sales Calls Ignored!
Dear Heloise: I found a very simple way to avoid annoying phone calls: I installed an answering machine. When the phone rings, I do not pick it up. I let the machine answer, and then I listen to see who is calling. If I want to talk to the caller, I pick up the phone. I have found that at least half of the callers hang up before my machine’s “greeting” is completed. Sales calls ignored! -- Jim V., Santa Maria, Calif.
Welcome to the future, Jim! As you’ve discovered, a lot has changed since your incarceration in 1972. Now that you’ve figured out the answering machine, you can graduate to the trash compactor!
Welcome to the future, Jim! As you’ve discovered, a lot has changed since your incarceration in 1972. Now that you’ve figured out the answering machine, you can graduate to the trash compactor!
Bag People
Here is another installment of Helloise: From the Vault.
Dear Heloise: I have several health problems. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and sat there looking at all the other people in the waiting room holding these bags of medications. I started thinking, and what I started doing was taking a picture of my medications and printing it out. That way, the doctor can see what it is and also the dosage without me having to bring all of it in each time. -- Darrell J. in Alabama
* * * * *
Darrell here just got one of those newfangled portable phones and has discovered it comes with a camera. Now he takes pictures of everything! He has documented his pantry so he can remember what to shop for. He snaps his car so he can remember where he parked it. He takes pictures of himself in different outfits, prints them out, and posts them in his closet so he won't have to remember what goes with what. It saves him so much time! Now he's photographing his medicine and printing out the pictures for his doctor to see. Now, maybe he has arthritis or something that makes it hard to write. So just type the names and doses and print that out instead. Better yet, why not just put the bottles in a bag next time?
Dear Heloise: I have several health problems. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and sat there looking at all the other people in the waiting room holding these bags of medications. I started thinking, and what I started doing was taking a picture of my medications and printing it out. That way, the doctor can see what it is and also the dosage without me having to bring all of it in each time. -- Darrell J. in Alabama
* * * * *
Darrell here just got one of those newfangled portable phones and has discovered it comes with a camera. Now he takes pictures of everything! He has documented his pantry so he can remember what to shop for. He snaps his car so he can remember where he parked it. He takes pictures of himself in different outfits, prints them out, and posts them in his closet so he won't have to remember what goes with what. It saves him so much time! Now he's photographing his medicine and printing out the pictures for his doctor to see. Now, maybe he has arthritis or something that makes it hard to write. So just type the names and doses and print that out instead. Better yet, why not just put the bottles in a bag next time?
Hints from Hell(oise)
Today is your lucky day! I've decided to start posting old hints from my old Blogger blog. You can relive the terrors of those long-ago days, or just marvel at the terrors of today. Either way, you're in for a real treat because these old ones are the craziest, unbelievable, ridiculous, most harebrained hints of the bunch. So here we go:
Every now and then I see something in the Helloise column that makes me laugh out loud and this hint is certainly one of them. As I was first reading it, I thought she was going to say that cell phones are great for keeping in touch. Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of her letter.
Dear Heloise: When I go to a supermarket or large department store with my husband or my friend, etc., we sometimes go our own way. To keep in touch and not lose each other, we bring along small walkie-talkies. And boy, it’s a great way to keep in touch. -- Grace, Staten Island, N.Y.
I wonder if they say, "Roger!" or "Copy that!"
Every now and then I see something in the Helloise column that makes me laugh out loud and this hint is certainly one of them. As I was first reading it, I thought she was going to say that cell phones are great for keeping in touch. Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of her letter.
Dear Heloise: When I go to a supermarket or large department store with my husband or my friend, etc., we sometimes go our own way. To keep in touch and not lose each other, we bring along small walkie-talkies. And boy, it’s a great way to keep in touch. -- Grace, Staten Island, N.Y.
I wonder if they say, "Roger!" or "Copy that!"
Stick it to her
Dear Heloise: Does anyone else have an issue with the stickers that are applied to all fruits and vegetables? They are annoying and do not accomplish anything. Hazel B., Blanchard, Idaho
Hazel: They do accomplish something! The stickers are identification codes to identify the specific item. How many varieties of apples are there in the store? A lot! A cashier from a grocery chain pleaded with me years ago to explain to my readers that these stickers are necessary. I did. Just peel or cut them off, and go on with life!
Dear Heloise: I have a light-colored kitchen floor that shows all crumbs and dirt. I eat bananas every morning, and I use the produce-company sticker from the banana to pick up small crumbs and dirt from the floor and throw it all in the trash.
Easy, and no effort!
Donna M., Mechanicsburg, Pa
Wow, Helloise gets really keyed up about those fruit and vegetable stickers. And why shouldn't she given that nasty letter she got from Hazel B? I'm kind of surprised, though, that a grocery chain (HEB, natch) pleaded with her to tell her readers about the need for those stickers. Then along came Donna M., who has cooked up a hint for using those stickers that is just as ridiculous as the letter from Hazel B. As I've said so many, many times here before: Can you imagine doing this?
Hazel: They do accomplish something! The stickers are identification codes to identify the specific item. How many varieties of apples are there in the store? A lot! A cashier from a grocery chain pleaded with me years ago to explain to my readers that these stickers are necessary. I did. Just peel or cut them off, and go on with life!
Dear Heloise: I have a light-colored kitchen floor that shows all crumbs and dirt. I eat bananas every morning, and I use the produce-company sticker from the banana to pick up small crumbs and dirt from the floor and throw it all in the trash.
Easy, and no effort!
Donna M., Mechanicsburg, Pa
Wow, Helloise gets really keyed up about those fruit and vegetable stickers. And why shouldn't she given that nasty letter she got from Hazel B? I'm kind of surprised, though, that a grocery chain (HEB, natch) pleaded with her to tell her readers about the need for those stickers. Then along came Donna M., who has cooked up a hint for using those stickers that is just as ridiculous as the letter from Hazel B. As I've said so many, many times here before: Can you imagine doing this?
DEAR HELOISE: When traveling, I use slider-lock plastic bags for toiletries: one for morning, one for nighttime and one for items used both morning and night. At the destination, it is easy to carry into the bathroom. I keep a list in each bag showing the items normally kept in it. I keep the empty bags in my suitcase, ready for the next trip.
Is this person out of his/her MIND? Just buy one toiletry bag and be done with it. AND there's a list in each bag? Don't you already know what goes in each bag? This is ridiculous. It makes me crazy.
Is this person out of his/her MIND? Just buy one toiletry bag and be done with it. AND there's a list in each bag? Don't you already know what goes in each bag? This is ridiculous. It makes me crazy.
If the shoe fits . . .
Dear Heloise: I love the dollar store, and have these hints:
1. Purchase brightly colored hair bands to wrap up phone, electronic and appliance cords. Neat and easy to see.
2. For bring-a-dish events, purchase a plastic shoe box. It is sturdy, has a lid, and you don't have to worry about getting your container back.
Kimberly C., Schererville, Ind.
Your attention is directed to Item 2 on Kimberly's helpful list. Unless you're bringing a bunch of rolls wrapped up tightly in foil, I can't imagine serving food out of a plastic shoe box. If you're going to buy a new one at the dollar store, why not just by an actual container meant for food? They have those there!
1. Purchase brightly colored hair bands to wrap up phone, electronic and appliance cords. Neat and easy to see.
2. For bring-a-dish events, purchase a plastic shoe box. It is sturdy, has a lid, and you don't have to worry about getting your container back.
Kimberly C., Schererville, Ind.
Your attention is directed to Item 2 on Kimberly's helpful list. Unless you're bringing a bunch of rolls wrapped up tightly in foil, I can't imagine serving food out of a plastic shoe box. If you're going to buy a new one at the dollar store, why not just by an actual container meant for food? They have those there!
Empty Nesters
Dear Heloise: This hint works for my husband and me (our children are on their own) when using recipes. I often cut them in half. There is less waste, since there are only two of us, and it saves on ingredients for cooking. This is especially true if I am trying a new recipe and am not really happy with the results. I don’t feel I have wasted as many ingredients and time.
-Brenda W., Sherwood, Ark.
Really? This is your hint? I'm assuming this woman has made it to a relatively advanced age and is not some young meth head who had to surrender her children to the State. How can she have gotten this far without realizing you could cut recipes in half -- or even double them?
-Brenda W., Sherwood, Ark.
Really? This is your hint? I'm assuming this woman has made it to a relatively advanced age and is not some young meth head who had to surrender her children to the State. How can she have gotten this far without realizing you could cut recipes in half -- or even double them?
When You Can't Think of a Single Hint to Send to Helloise but Really, Really Want to Get Your Name in the Paper
Dear Heloise: I use half a dryer sheet and a squirt of dishwashing soap to clean cooked, barbecued or baked-on food. Run some hot water into the container, wait three to five minutes and use the dryer sheet as a dishcloth. -- Marg S. in North Dakota
Marg, glad this worked for you. I’ve tested it and really did not see much difference. I guess the theory is that the “fabric softener” will soften the gunk.
Wow, Helloise didn't think much of ol' Marg's idea and neither do I. Why on EARTH would you want to do this? A dryer sheet is a weak and flimsy thing and I'm sure the manufacturers have instructions not to use them in a matter inconsistent with their intended use. They can't be strong enough to clean baked-on food. Give me a break, Marg!
And Marg only uses HALF of the sheet! Marg has a few screws loose. And what can I say about Helloise, who actually had to conduct an experiment to confirm that it wouldn't work?
Marg, glad this worked for you. I’ve tested it and really did not see much difference. I guess the theory is that the “fabric softener” will soften the gunk.
Wow, Helloise didn't think much of ol' Marg's idea and neither do I. Why on EARTH would you want to do this? A dryer sheet is a weak and flimsy thing and I'm sure the manufacturers have instructions not to use them in a matter inconsistent with their intended use. They can't be strong enough to clean baked-on food. Give me a break, Marg!
And Marg only uses HALF of the sheet! Marg has a few screws loose. And what can I say about Helloise, who actually had to conduct an experiment to confirm that it wouldn't work?
Sticker Shock
Dear Heloise: Does anyone else have an issue with the stickers that are applied to all fruits and vegetables? They are annoying and do not accomplish anything.
Hazel B.,Blanchard, Idaho
Hazel: They do accomplish something! The stickers are identification codes to identify the specific item. How many varieties of apples are there in the store? A lot! A cashier from a grocery chain pleaded with me years ago to explain to my readers that these stickers are necessary. I did. Just peel or cut them off, and go on with life!
Helloise pleaded with her readers and this one below took it to heart:
Dear Heloise: I have a light-colored kitchen floor that shows all crumbs and dirt. I eat bananas every morning, and I use the produce-company sticker from the banana to pick up small crumbs and dirt from the floor and throw it all in the trash.
Easy, and no effort!
Donna M., Mechanicsburg, Pa.
I don't know which one of these two hinters is the craziest.
Dear Heloise: Does anyone else have an issue with the stickers that are applied to all fruits and vegetables? They are annoying and do not accomplish anything.
Hazel B.,Blanchard, Idaho
Hazel: They do accomplish something! The stickers are identification codes to identify the specific item. How many varieties of apples are there in the store? A lot! A cashier from a grocery chain pleaded with me years ago to explain to my readers that these stickers are necessary. I did. Just peel or cut them off, and go on with life!
Helloise pleaded with her readers and this one below took it to heart:
Dear Heloise: I have a light-colored kitchen floor that shows all crumbs and dirt. I eat bananas every morning, and I use the produce-company sticker from the banana to pick up small crumbs and dirt from the floor and throw it all in the trash.
Easy, and no effort!
Donna M., Mechanicsburg, Pa.
I don't know which one of these two hinters is the craziest.
WTF?
Dear Heloise: Ever notice how it takes a death grip to get jelly out of a squeeze bottle? I have a hint:
I take the jelly out of the bottle and put it in a bowl, then use a potato masher to soften it. I use a funnel to put it back into the squeeze bottle.
Now I buy jelly in the large jars (a lot cheaper), then mash the jelly and refill the squeeze bottle as needed. Works great.
Oh, my god, this is one of most ridiculous hints I've seen in a long time. The level of effort this person puts into his ingenious Jelly Dispensing System makes me wonder why he didn't say, "It saves time!" Why not just ditch the stupid squeeze bottle and use the jar? There's something off-putting, anyway, about squeezing jelly from a plastic bottle. It's not right.
I take the jelly out of the bottle and put it in a bowl, then use a potato masher to soften it. I use a funnel to put it back into the squeeze bottle.
Now I buy jelly in the large jars (a lot cheaper), then mash the jelly and refill the squeeze bottle as needed. Works great.
Oh, my god, this is one of most ridiculous hints I've seen in a long time. The level of effort this person puts into his ingenious Jelly Dispensing System makes me wonder why he didn't say, "It saves time!" Why not just ditch the stupid squeeze bottle and use the jar? There's something off-putting, anyway, about squeezing jelly from a plastic bottle. It's not right.
Sad Souvenirs
Up front, I will admit that I have actually saved a motel amenity. See the "luxury" bar above, which is about three eighths of an inch thick. I saved it from a little motel in Blanco, Texas. This letter is kind of sad, really. Why not take pictures?
Dear Heloise: Our schedules don’t allow us to travel much, so whenever we do, I know it’s going to be memorable. To keep the wonderful feelings inside me for just a little while longer once my travels are over, I will bring home the little extras that are in our hotel restroom for us to use. Since I use the plastic cup from the hotel to rinse my mouth out after brushing my teeth, I bring that home with me, too.
At home, I bring out the little toiletries — even the cup! I put them out to continue using them until they are used up. Each time I pick one up, I am prompted to think back on the wonderful memories I now have from the trip.
Dear Heloise: Our schedules don’t allow us to travel much, so whenever we do, I know it’s going to be memorable. To keep the wonderful feelings inside me for just a little while longer once my travels are over, I will bring home the little extras that are in our hotel restroom for us to use. Since I use the plastic cup from the hotel to rinse my mouth out after brushing my teeth, I bring that home with me, too.
At home, I bring out the little toiletries — even the cup! I put them out to continue using them until they are used up. Each time I pick one up, I am prompted to think back on the wonderful memories I now have from the trip.
The BrokenTime Machine
Too many times we see letters to Helloise that have got to be from time travelers who have found themselves stuck in this century and are trying to make the best of it. Some see as revelations the many perks of modern society -- things we take for granted and have enjoyed all our lives. Read on and see if you agree.
Dear Heloise: My son and I rent movies from the library. You get to keep them longer and it's free! The library prints out a receipt that states when the movie (or book) is due back. I slip the paper into the plastic DVD cover. No late fees. - Marvin, a single dad in Texas
Dear Heloise: I love that sticks of butter are wrapped in paper with the measurement lines. It's easy to measure the right amount, especially when you have already used part of the stick. -- Joy L., Washington D.C.
Dear Heloise: The reason I am writing is I found that you can reuse pie pans. I cut a hole in the bottom of one, turn it upside down over the pie I am baking, and the crust will not burn. The thing I like best is that you can wash them and reuse them.
Dear Heloise: I've discovered that if I don't know how to do something, the Internet can help. I crochet, and while the following pattern, I discovered a stitch that I couldn't get right. By chance [by chance?] I checked the Internet and not only found the instructions I was using, but a "how-to" video on the stitch. I was able to watch it many times until I got it right.
You know, instead of checking the internet for help on crochet stitches, I think your time might be better spent figuring out how to get back to your own century. You are clearly out of your depth here.
Dear Heloise: My son and I rent movies from the library. You get to keep them longer and it's free! The library prints out a receipt that states when the movie (or book) is due back. I slip the paper into the plastic DVD cover. No late fees. - Marvin, a single dad in Texas
Dear Heloise: I love that sticks of butter are wrapped in paper with the measurement lines. It's easy to measure the right amount, especially when you have already used part of the stick. -- Joy L., Washington D.C.
Dear Heloise: The reason I am writing is I found that you can reuse pie pans. I cut a hole in the bottom of one, turn it upside down over the pie I am baking, and the crust will not burn. The thing I like best is that you can wash them and reuse them.
Dear Heloise: I've discovered that if I don't know how to do something, the Internet can help. I crochet, and while the following pattern, I discovered a stitch that I couldn't get right. By chance [by chance?] I checked the Internet and not only found the instructions I was using, but a "how-to" video on the stitch. I was able to watch it many times until I got it right.
You know, instead of checking the internet for help on crochet stitches, I think your time might be better spent figuring out how to get back to your own century. You are clearly out of your depth here.
"Smart" Phones
I don't know what to make of people who send in cell phone hints. In contrast to the dopey time-savers like the hint below this one, these hinters have hit upon myriad ways to make life more complicated by using their phones to perform very simple tasks. To wit:
Dear Heloise: When I really like a particular brand of product, I use my phone camera to take a picture of the label and then put it in my "products" folder on my phone. On my shopping list, I write a short name, like "crackers", then when I'm in the store I can look at the photo on my phone to be sure I've chosen the right one. -- S. Sonsteby, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii
This person is making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Why not create a separate photo folder on your phone for each type of product? If you really like a particular brand of product, wouldn't you remember what it looks like?
I suspect I've posted this one before, but it fits the theme here and I like it for its craziness:
Dear Heloise: If I have a "to-do" or shopping list, I simply text it to myself. Whenever the information needs updating, I copy the prior text, paste it into a new textbox, edit what needs updating and send it to myself again.
Whew! Doesn't this person's phone have a note pad app?
Dear Heloise: I have used the scan or "take a photo" application [you meanlike a camera?] on my cellphone when checking out at a store. It keeps the line moving. I look for bargains and find that the scanner does not always register the right price. If it is something tagged by the store at a lesser price, I take a photo and show it to the cashier. This saves them calling for a price check and holding up the line.
I dunno. This seems a bit ridiculous. How often does the scanner not match the posted price? Plus you'd have to assure the cashier that you took the photo in that store on that day. I'm just not so sure this would fly.
Finally, I have a bonus smart phone question for you. I love it when someone does this kind of thing. This person has a computer. Use it!
Dear Heloise: Is there a way to change the screen brightness on your phone? -- A Reader, via email
Dear Heloise: When I really like a particular brand of product, I use my phone camera to take a picture of the label and then put it in my "products" folder on my phone. On my shopping list, I write a short name, like "crackers", then when I'm in the store I can look at the photo on my phone to be sure I've chosen the right one. -- S. Sonsteby, Kihei, Maui, Hawaii
This person is making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Why not create a separate photo folder on your phone for each type of product? If you really like a particular brand of product, wouldn't you remember what it looks like?
I suspect I've posted this one before, but it fits the theme here and I like it for its craziness:
Dear Heloise: If I have a "to-do" or shopping list, I simply text it to myself. Whenever the information needs updating, I copy the prior text, paste it into a new textbox, edit what needs updating and send it to myself again.
Whew! Doesn't this person's phone have a note pad app?
Dear Heloise: I have used the scan or "take a photo" application [you meanlike a camera?] on my cellphone when checking out at a store. It keeps the line moving. I look for bargains and find that the scanner does not always register the right price. If it is something tagged by the store at a lesser price, I take a photo and show it to the cashier. This saves them calling for a price check and holding up the line.
I dunno. This seems a bit ridiculous. How often does the scanner not match the posted price? Plus you'd have to assure the cashier that you took the photo in that store on that day. I'm just not so sure this would fly.
Finally, I have a bonus smart phone question for you. I love it when someone does this kind of thing. This person has a computer. Use it!
Dear Heloise: Is there a way to change the screen brightness on your phone? -- A Reader, via email
Another Genius Time-Saver
It's time for some more Helloise gems. I haven't posted here in a while, but rest assured I have plenty saved up. One of my favorite types of hint are the ones designed to “save time”. They don’t save any measurable amount of time! Here’s a particularly good one:
Dear Heloise: Most pajama tops are roomy. To save time when getting ready for bed, I leave my pajama top buttoned and slide it on and off over my head. -- M.A., San Angelo, Texas
See what I mean? What is this guy doing that he needs to save nanoseconds of time? Is he habitually late for lights-out? How many seconds does this save? You still have to button the other buttons.
Dear Heloise: Most pajama tops are roomy. To save time when getting ready for bed, I leave my pajama top buttoned and slide it on and off over my head. -- M.A., San Angelo, Texas
See what I mean? What is this guy doing that he needs to save nanoseconds of time? Is he habitually late for lights-out? How many seconds does this save? You still have to button the other buttons.
Alien Invasion!
Where do theses people come from? Are they aliens trying to fit in here on Earth? These people always seem to turn to Helloise with their revelations and questions.
Dear Helloise: When I have a sandwich that will be messy to eat, I slip it into a plastic sandwich bag and peel the bag back, much like a banana, as I eat the sandwich. Nothing falls out, and my hands stay clean.
Dear Helloise: A friend of my granddaughter graduated college with a physicist degree. Back in high school, he was interested in oceanography. I couldn't find anything about these topics in my dictionary, so I called my best friend, the library! Yes, I love my county public library!
Dear Helloise: I recently bought a new car. Do I have to take it to the dealer for service? They seem a lot more expensive.
Where do I even begin? I wonder if the first letter was written by a first grader? I suppose it's possible, but usually those letters include the writer's age. And I don't think a little kid would say "much like a banana".
I remember in school we learned what a dictionary is for versus what an encyclopedia is for. How I wish I could have listened in on that phone call to the library!
How did letter-writer number 3 ever manage to buy a new car without learning about warranties?
Dear Helloise: When I have a sandwich that will be messy to eat, I slip it into a plastic sandwich bag and peel the bag back, much like a banana, as I eat the sandwich. Nothing falls out, and my hands stay clean.
Dear Helloise: A friend of my granddaughter graduated college with a physicist degree. Back in high school, he was interested in oceanography. I couldn't find anything about these topics in my dictionary, so I called my best friend, the library! Yes, I love my county public library!
Dear Helloise: I recently bought a new car. Do I have to take it to the dealer for service? They seem a lot more expensive.
Where do I even begin? I wonder if the first letter was written by a first grader? I suppose it's possible, but usually those letters include the writer's age. And I don't think a little kid would say "much like a banana".
I remember in school we learned what a dictionary is for versus what an encyclopedia is for. How I wish I could have listened in on that phone call to the library!
How did letter-writer number 3 ever manage to buy a new car without learning about warranties?
Which Hint is Real?
Okay, everyone! It's time to play Guess the Fake! Shown below are three Helloise hints. Guess which is the one I made up and you'll win a fabulous prize! Really: it's a very good prize.
Friends can email me. Others should go to the Home page and fill out the contact form. Include your name and address. Saint Pudalia ships worldwide! The first person to guess correctly wins. Good luck!
(1) Dear Heloise: When I finish the last of a roll of paper towels, I leave the cardboard roll (on the horizontal holder) and neatly fold a dish towel over it until I get more paper towels.
(2) Dear Heloise: To ease the pain of enduring obnoxious TV commercials, I keep the remote on hand and immediately hit the “mute” button.
(3) Dear Heloise: I keep a house key hidden under a rock in my yard so my friends can retrieve it in case I need them to check on something when I'm gone. The key is not labeled. That way, if a stranger finds it, he won't know what it goes to.
Flight Attendant Gives Passenger the Brush-Off
Dear Heloise: Thought I would share this hint that I received from a flight attendant recently: After asking for a blanket on a chilly late-night winter flight, she suggested that I turn on my reading light and the one next to me in the unused seat.
Are you kidding me? That light isn't going to keep anyone warm! Believe me: I would have discovered this gem a loooong time ago considering all of the sub-zero flights I've had to endure.
Panty Hose "Repair" and Other Confounding Ideas
Let's turn, again, to the 1980 Helloise book I found at the antique mall. Here's a hint that is rather ridiculous considering that, even in 1980, you could buy pantyhose at the grocery store for a couple of bucks. No one really wears skin-colored pantyhose much anymore, but I've certainly worn this evil garment in the past. Can you imagine anything more annoying than the situation suggested by the hint below?
If pantyhose have a run in one leg only, cut off that leg. Then, when a matching pair gets a run in one leg, snip it off too. Wear the two pairs of one-legged pantyhose, one over the other, for a money-saving bonus -- a new pair!
Really?
This one, I guess, might work well enough but what an odd idea:
My bathroom carpet was limp and ready to be discarded. I had an idea -- maybe I could use it as shelf paper for the bathroom and kitchen cabinets. Great -- and when it becomes soiled, I just toss it in the washing machine.
If pantyhose have a run in one leg only, cut off that leg. Then, when a matching pair gets a run in one leg, snip it off too. Wear the two pairs of one-legged pantyhose, one over the other, for a money-saving bonus -- a new pair!
Really?
This one, I guess, might work well enough but what an odd idea:
My bathroom carpet was limp and ready to be discarded. I had an idea -- maybe I could use it as shelf paper for the bathroom and kitchen cabinets. Great -- and when it becomes soiled, I just toss it in the washing machine.
A Helloise Book!
I was at the Skating Rink Antique Mall the other day and guess what I found?
This was published in 1980 and it's full of helpful suggestions to better our lives. Tucked inside was an old "First Aid Handbook for Carpet Spots" published by the Carpet Cleaning Institute of Bigelow-Sanford.
Here are some hints from her readers that are featured in the book. Today, I've chosen to to highlight some hints sure to make your home a showcase.
"Recently I made curtains for my large kitchen windows from, guess what? Polyester double knit! I used nylon lace for the trim. My family went wild over them."
"An unusable charcoal barbecue grill makes a beautiful planter."
"Looking for a bargain buy in a clothes hamper that's big enough to hold a week's wash for a family? Do what we did: We purchased a wire trash burner with a hinged lid and covered it with decorator burlap. Around the lid, I attached ball fringe in coordinating color."
Here are some others you might enjoy.
"If you find it difficult to connect back garters and hose, try fastening garters before pulling up your girdle all the way."
Who was wearing a girdle in 1980? Here are a couple of odd ones:
"If you are wearing a long dress on a rainy or sloshy day, cut two holes in an extra large garbage bag and step inside it. Pull it up to your waist and secure with a belt."
"Try adding a few drops of food color to your goldfish bowl. We love ours blue, green or aqua. It's fun and harmless to the fish."
Here's one from Helloise herself, speaking of food coloring:
"I am always trying to think of something new and different. Once in a while, that ol' gray matter in my belfry jiggles a little. . .
I was looking at a bottle of sour cocktail onions a while back and thought to myself, 'Why are they white? Wouldn't it be much more appetizing if they were colored? White seems so dull'. So I bought a couple of bottles and put some green food coloring in one of them. I used about fifteen drops to a two-ounce bottle."
"The onions won't look good at first, and you are going to think Heloise has lost her marbles when the onions don't absorb all the color right away. Put them in the refrigerator and forget all about 'em, as I did. A month later, I was cleaning out the fridge and, what do you know, they were the most beautiful green you ever saw. Each little tidbit had absorbed all the color!"
Well, that's all the fun for today. But be sure to check back for more. It's a thick book.
Here are some hints from her readers that are featured in the book. Today, I've chosen to to highlight some hints sure to make your home a showcase.
"Recently I made curtains for my large kitchen windows from, guess what? Polyester double knit! I used nylon lace for the trim. My family went wild over them."
"An unusable charcoal barbecue grill makes a beautiful planter."
"Looking for a bargain buy in a clothes hamper that's big enough to hold a week's wash for a family? Do what we did: We purchased a wire trash burner with a hinged lid and covered it with decorator burlap. Around the lid, I attached ball fringe in coordinating color."
Here are some others you might enjoy.
"If you find it difficult to connect back garters and hose, try fastening garters before pulling up your girdle all the way."
Who was wearing a girdle in 1980? Here are a couple of odd ones:
"If you are wearing a long dress on a rainy or sloshy day, cut two holes in an extra large garbage bag and step inside it. Pull it up to your waist and secure with a belt."
"Try adding a few drops of food color to your goldfish bowl. We love ours blue, green or aqua. It's fun and harmless to the fish."
Here's one from Helloise herself, speaking of food coloring:
"I am always trying to think of something new and different. Once in a while, that ol' gray matter in my belfry jiggles a little. . .
I was looking at a bottle of sour cocktail onions a while back and thought to myself, 'Why are they white? Wouldn't it be much more appetizing if they were colored? White seems so dull'. So I bought a couple of bottles and put some green food coloring in one of them. I used about fifteen drops to a two-ounce bottle."
"The onions won't look good at first, and you are going to think Heloise has lost her marbles when the onions don't absorb all the color right away. Put them in the refrigerator and forget all about 'em, as I did. A month later, I was cleaning out the fridge and, what do you know, they were the most beautiful green you ever saw. Each little tidbit had absorbed all the color!"
Well, that's all the fun for today. But be sure to check back for more. It's a thick book.
Dear Heloise: If I have a "to-do" or shopping list, I simply text it to myself. Whenever the information needs updating, I copy the prior text, paste it into a new textbox, edit what needs updating and send it to myself again.
Here is another "convenience" that isn't at all convenient. Is there a smart phone that doesn't have a notepad function? There are those who are so dazzled by technology that they fail to remember that it isn't always the best choice. Maybe this person just loves receiving text messages.
Here is another "convenience" that isn't at all convenient. Is there a smart phone that doesn't have a notepad function? There are those who are so dazzled by technology that they fail to remember that it isn't always the best choice. Maybe this person just loves receiving text messages.
One of my favorite things about the Hints column is the "Sound Off!" feature. I have enough sound-offs myself every day to keep Helloise in business for another few decades. I have mentioned before how annoying germaphobes can be (there's a sound-off right there). But I'm going to let Helloise do some of the talking this time.
My Sound Off is about grocery stores encouraging me to put the small plastic basket on the conveyor to unload my groceries. My concern is the unsanitary practice this is. The baskets have been on the floor, thereby potentially transferring filth and germs to the same surface that food items are placed on. We live in a ranching community — use your imagination as to where shoes and boots might have been!” -- Donna in Greycliff, Mont.
No need to think much to guess where that footwear may have been. However, the conveyor belt itself is not the cleanest, either. Most food is packaged, and we are taught to rinse fruit and veggies before eating. -- Heloise
If this woman would take a few seconds to think for a change, she'd consider all the places her groceries have been before they reach the store. Does she know that some of them have actually been in the ground?
(I hope you're enjoying the delightful old photograph I've chosen to illustrate today's entry. Of course, I doctored it up a bit to add more punch. It comes from the 1944 edition of Modern Medical Counselor and is actual a depiction of what will happen when you reach the secondary stage of syphilis. Let that be a lesson to you about putting your groceries on the conveyor belt in a ranching community.)
My Sound Off is about grocery stores encouraging me to put the small plastic basket on the conveyor to unload my groceries. My concern is the unsanitary practice this is. The baskets have been on the floor, thereby potentially transferring filth and germs to the same surface that food items are placed on. We live in a ranching community — use your imagination as to where shoes and boots might have been!” -- Donna in Greycliff, Mont.
No need to think much to guess where that footwear may have been. However, the conveyor belt itself is not the cleanest, either. Most food is packaged, and we are taught to rinse fruit and veggies before eating. -- Heloise
If this woman would take a few seconds to think for a change, she'd consider all the places her groceries have been before they reach the store. Does she know that some of them have actually been in the ground?
(I hope you're enjoying the delightful old photograph I've chosen to illustrate today's entry. Of course, I doctored it up a bit to add more punch. It comes from the 1944 edition of Modern Medical Counselor and is actual a depiction of what will happen when you reach the secondary stage of syphilis. Let that be a lesson to you about putting your groceries on the conveyor belt in a ranching community.)
Dear Heloise: DIESEL FUEL is not available at all gas stations, and when it is offered, it is only available at a few of the pumps with gasoline available at the same pump. Drivers of diesel-powered vehicles often are waiting for other drivers to finish and pay so they can get to the pump.
My hint is for drivers to complete their fuel purchase and then move the vehicle to a parking space before going in to use the restroom or make a purchase. We are RVers with a diesel pickup truck and had to wait a very long time for drivers to move their vehicles from blocked diesel pumps. Please be aware. It’s just good etiquette to move your vehicle from the pump. -- Pat G. in Arkansas
Isn't that sad? A guy with an RV has to WAIT for someone else. Isn't it a tragedy? This guy should take his own advice and PULL OVER for a change so others can get on with their lives. I should have sent Helloise a "Sound Off" about this on the tails of this guy's letter.
My hint is for drivers to complete their fuel purchase and then move the vehicle to a parking space before going in to use the restroom or make a purchase. We are RVers with a diesel pickup truck and had to wait a very long time for drivers to move their vehicles from blocked diesel pumps. Please be aware. It’s just good etiquette to move your vehicle from the pump. -- Pat G. in Arkansas
Isn't that sad? A guy with an RV has to WAIT for someone else. Isn't it a tragedy? This guy should take his own advice and PULL OVER for a change so others can get on with their lives. I should have sent Helloise a "Sound Off" about this on the tails of this guy's letter.
Dear Heloise: I’m an avid reader, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found myself struggling to read the print in books on my shelf. Yes, I’ve had my eyes checked, so that’s not the problem!
What do you suppose happened here? Maybe this woman meant to send an email to her friend Helen but typed in "Helloise" instead. This is the entire -- hint? -- that was printed. I think Helloise suggested that she see another doctor. I think she ought to lay off the sauce.
Dear Heloise: I recently phoned in a large order from a catalog. I made a list of everything ordered. The problems began when some items were not included in the shipment by mistake, and they got worse when I had to make some returns. Everything needed the original invoice.
My hint is that when ordering online or from a catalog, order each item separately so you will have a separate invoice for each item. Of course, shipping and handling costs are a consideration, so some orders may need to be for multiple items in order to receive free shipping. The fewer items on each invoice will make tracking and returns easier.
Ye, gods! Talk about an overreaction! So he/she had to make some returns and didn't return all the items at the same time (thus requiring a single invoice)? He/she is willing to increase the probability of lost packages just to make sure everything has it's original invoice, which isn't needed in today's modern world unless, maybe, you're ordering from The Vermont Country Store or someplace like that. What kind of a nut case is this?
There is a nameless feeling I often get when reading "hints" like this. It's some sort of advanced state of exasperation. It's the feeling that I want -- nay, must! -- slap someone immediately.
My hint is that when ordering online or from a catalog, order each item separately so you will have a separate invoice for each item. Of course, shipping and handling costs are a consideration, so some orders may need to be for multiple items in order to receive free shipping. The fewer items on each invoice will make tracking and returns easier.
Ye, gods! Talk about an overreaction! So he/she had to make some returns and didn't return all the items at the same time (thus requiring a single invoice)? He/she is willing to increase the probability of lost packages just to make sure everything has it's original invoice, which isn't needed in today's modern world unless, maybe, you're ordering from The Vermont Country Store or someplace like that. What kind of a nut case is this?
There is a nameless feeling I often get when reading "hints" like this. It's some sort of advanced state of exasperation. It's the feeling that I want -- nay, must! -- slap someone immediately.
Once a week, Helloise links to her website where you can see a pet picture one of her readers sent in. I really ought to send her a pic of my little beast. Maybe by then I will have come up with a name for him.
Dear Readers: Brenda P., via email, sent a picture of her precious and beloved “dog-ter,” Li’l Bit of Joy. She’s a four-pound, 10-year-old Pom-poo (Pomeranian/poodle mix), and her joy.
Dear Readers: Rosemarie S. in Seabrook, N.H., sent a picture of her funny and furry, gorgeous black-and-gray cat, Precious, trying to get to a squirrel on the TV! Such a silly but smart girl! Who knew cats can see what’s on the TV?
Dear Readers: Eileen S., via email, sent a picture of her gorgeous and funny Maltipoo, Miss Molly. Miss Molly is wearing one of Mama’s dish towels — it makes her feel fancy. Eileen told Miss Molly about her upcoming appearance on the website, and Miss Molly is very excited!
Dear Readers: Rosemarie S. in Seabrook, N.H., sent a picture of her funny and furry, gorgeous black-and-gray cat, Precious, trying to get to a squirrel on the TV! Such a silly but smart girl! Who knew cats can see what’s on the TV?
Dear Readers: Eileen S., via email, sent a picture of her gorgeous and funny Maltipoo, Miss Molly. Miss Molly is wearing one of Mama’s dish towels — it makes her feel fancy. Eileen told Miss Molly about her upcoming appearance on the website, and Miss Molly is very excited!
Weren't those nauseating? Miss Molly is very excited to be wearing a dish towel! I have no doubt each one of these people refers to themselves as their pet's "Mommy". Ugh. I love my cat just as much as anyone loves their pets, but dang. I'm going to have to choke down whatever it is I come up with to write to Helloise.
(I can't imagine wanting anything that's a mix of a Pomeranian and a poodle, for crying out loud. Or a Maltese and a poodle. Bleck.)
(I can't imagine wanting anything that's a mix of a Pomeranian and a poodle, for crying out loud. Or a Maltese and a poodle. Bleck.)
Dear Heloise: Most pajama tops are roomy. To save time when getting ready for bed, I leave my pajama top buttoned and slide it on and off over my head. -- M.A., San Angelo, Texas
Ugh. You all know my goat has been gotten when I see yet another "saves time" hint! How much time is actually being saved, here? Why not just sleep in your clothes? Saves time AND money!
Ugh. You all know my goat has been gotten when I see yet another "saves time" hint! How much time is actually being saved, here? Why not just sleep in your clothes? Saves time AND money!
Dear Heloise: The maintenance men at my apartment put an old oven out for bulky trash pickup. I grabbed the racks out of it. I spray-painted them, hung them on the wall and use to organize my earrings, hair ribbons, belts, scarves, hosiery, etc.
After seeing hints about using yogurt containers used a vases and old tires used as planters, it comes at somewhat of a surprise to me that Helloise hasn't put out a book of decorating hints.
After seeing hints about using yogurt containers used a vases and old tires used as planters, it comes at somewhat of a surprise to me that Helloise hasn't put out a book of decorating hints.
This one is a bit baffling to me. It sounds like the mutterings of someone in a delirium.
Dear Heloise: When I cook dinner, my partner washes up. We’ve decided that the number of pots and pans has to be small. I tend to use everything in the kitchen.
Teddy, via email
Dear Heloise: When I cook dinner, my partner washes up. We’ve decided that the number of pots and pans has to be small. I tend to use everything in the kitchen.
Teddy, via email
Don't Waste All That Goodness!
Dear Heloise: Tired of wasting all that goodness in the bottom of cartons, cans and bottles? Add coffee to the containers you are about to throw away, and shake. Try maple syrup, honey, molasses, corn syrup, jelly, jam, etc. Before throwing out the precious liquids or washing them down the drain, think, “Would it be good in coffee?” The best thing about this hint is that you can put in only a small amount of coffee to decide if you like it.
Molasses? Jelly? Do those sound like they'd be good in coffee? No! I'll keep this hint in mind if I ever find myself dumpster-diving. Good grief.
Molasses? Jelly? Do those sound like they'd be good in coffee? No! I'll keep this hint in mind if I ever find myself dumpster-diving. Good grief.
This is another in a long history of ultra-attractive decorating ideas found in Helloise's column.
Dear Heloise: I covered a tall and plain glass vase (I get lots of them from flower deliveries) with a black knee-high stocking — Ta-da! It looks great, because I have lots of black accents in my home.
Dear Heloise: I covered a tall and plain glass vase (I get lots of them from flower deliveries) with a black knee-high stocking — Ta-da! It looks great, because I have lots of black accents in my home.
Dear Readers: If you are looking for an easy way to wax floors, try using a long-handled, clean paint roller to do the job. It’s easier to get under furniture and other hard-to-reach places.
OMG! Who still waxes floors!?
OMG! Who still waxes floors!?
Soft Drink Management
You know, this blog just writes itself, doesn't it?
DEAR HELOISE: Whenever I am almost finished with a 2-liter bottle of soda, I place another one behind it in the refrigerator. When I finish the first one, there is another that is cold and ready.
Lost Souls
Here are some tidbits from readers whose lives would, no doubt, lay in ruins if they didn't have Heloise to save them.
Dear Heloise: What do I do with elbows that LOOK dirty but aren’t? -- RJ in Maryland
Dear Heloise: Is there a way to change the screen brightness on your phone? -- A Reader, via email
Dear Heloise: I seldom use raisins, but when I do, they are all stuck together. Any hints for making them easier to remove from the container? -- Judy C., via e-mail
And here's one I am at a total loss to explain:
Dear Heloise: When I have my truck washed or do it myself, the side mirrors tend to get moved a little. When done, I get into my truck and adjust them. One time I forgot and had to pull over! -- George Anne
Dear Heloise: When I have my truck washed or do it myself, the side mirrors tend to get moved a little. When done, I get into my truck and adjust them. One time I forgot and had to pull over! -- George Anne